1. |
nonfiction
02:14
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(Here's to anarchy. Cops, judges, politicians, you don't have a reason sleeping at ease.)
You are hung upside-down, your slitted throat bleeding. Consciousness not yet lost, left to die suffering with everyone else who share the same normalized murderous fate as you. Imagine being a non-human animal.
Harpoons gut whales, their bleeding like lacerations on the surface of the sea. Tradition encourages speciesism, nations legalized exploitation based only on apathy. Dolphins are tormented in a mass grave made red by their innocent blood. Suffocating, convulsing, then becoming a commodity. If the ocean dies, we die, it's not just a saying, it's a fact. If the ocean dies, we die, it's not just a saying, it's a fact.
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2. |
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An instant of clarity before eternal night, don't let me forget. I used to be able to cry but now I'm beyond tears. I can't sleep, I can't think, I cannot overcome my loneliness, my fear, my disgust. I cannot be alone, cannot be with others. Some will call this self-indulgence, they are lucky not to know its truth. Some will know the simple fact of pain.
A room of expressionless face staring blankly at my pain, so devoid of meaning. My desperation clawing and all-consuming panic drenching me as I gape in horror at the world and wonder why everyone is smiling and looking at me with secret knowledge of my aching shame. Nothing can extinguish my anger. Nothing can restore my faith. It's what you did, who was there and who you're blaming, and I'm blaming myself.
Every compliment takes a piece of my soul. I've been dead for a long time. Back to my roots. Built to love the absent. Nothing can fill this void in my heart. The vital need for which I would die. All this shall come to pass, all the words of my noisome breath. Nothing is forever, the morning brings defeat, beautiful pain that says I exist. It is myself I've never met. Please open the curtains.
(Fuck you. Fuck you for rejecting me by never being there, fuck you for making me feel like shit about myself, fuck you for bleeding the fucking love and life out of me, fuck my father for fucking up my life for good and fuck my mother for not leaving him but most of all fuck you god for making me love a person who does not exist. Fuck you.)
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3. |
nageku pt. I
01:08
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4. |
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Nothing will ever come together but if it will, it'll soon fall apart as my name will be heard. I don't weep for what is gone, I weep for what never was. The tragedy of hope and life did us part. What is left of me? To be is to suffer. Endlessly, abysmally. The past isn't as nostalgia swears, the future's not existent.
"When there is torture, there is pain and wounds, physical agony, and all this distracts the mind from mental suffering, so that one is tormented only by the wounds until the moment of death. But the most terrible agony may not be in the wounds themselves, but in knowing for certain that within an hour, then within ten minutes, then within half a minute, now at this very instant – your soul will leave your body, and you will no longer be a person. The worst thing is that it is certain."
There is pain writhing in nonexistent limbs. All I have is a hollow grave I call home.
Again I retreat to sorrow, it will always be there for me. My youth have died too soon and I'm dragging my carcass along. Left alone wondering what is to follow the emptiness of time, the desperation for empathy. And Cecilia was the first to go.
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5. |
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Never love anything, it will be taken from you. I will try to do so. I never thought swallowing blades would easier than speaking my mind. Afraid of opening up because it makes me vulnerable. *It's that the world happened in a way that it shouldn't have*.
Wish you everything life's to offer, I know I'll be, I'll be nothing.
(And I'm hoping that all will end. Insecure, I cannot pretend.)
"Nothing can heal the loss of a beloved. No truth, no sincerity, no strength, no kindness can heal that sorrow. All we can do is live through the sorrow and learn something from it. But whatever we learn will be of no help in facing the next sorrow to come along.
Kizuki remains 17.
Naoko remains 21.
For eternity."
And when I hide they say what a sight for sore eyes.
I close my eyes. maybe I'll disappear. O, how benighted a normal life can be. Never wanted to be me. I'll never say I'd do everything the same. My skin begs, I weep , no breath, discontent. You say you don't remember the way it all used to be, but I so painfully can. Hearts bereft of ourselves. Every year myself gradually abandons me, I wish I could forget, I wish I could.
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6. |
nageku pt. II
01:12
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7. |
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Everything hurts the same. Every breath ends in sigh.
I'll soon be forgotten like every dead language. I'll be torn to pieces like the letters I never sent.
I'll be gone long before someone remembers to miss me. I'll hold on to nothing but the stream of the river.
I'll soon be forgotten like every dead language. I'll be torn to pieces like the letters I never sent.
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